It happened. One of those moments when you realize something and you can never go back to the happy oblivion you lived in before.
Sometimes it's not sad. Sometimes it's empowering. Like the time I had to decide if I was going to be the person who says, "I'm just not one of those people who can do sales." or the person who says, "I don't like doing sales, but I can do it if I need to." Now, granted it's not my calling and I didn't end up sticking with it. (Who really sells Mary Kay longer than a year anyway?) But I did experience the revelation that I can do whatever the crap I put my mind to. It sounds terribly cliched but there it is. I can never go back to being the little wimpy girl again. Empowerment. Boo yah!
Unfortunately, that's not the "reveal" of today. Today is a bitter knowledge. A knowledge that I can never unlearn. It is knowing that although I can recognize beautiful decorating, I am impotent to create it. I know what you are going to say. "Just find a picture of what you like and copy it." That, my friend, would show how much you do not know me. I am one who can not copy. It must be original. It is the one area of my life where I am the most obsessive-compulsive.
So, what must be done? I'm not sure. I think I have two choices. I either have to settle for my own mediocrity or accept someone else's help. (Mej, that's you!) Can your house really be your own if someone else helps you decorate? My guess is that it comes down to my own confidence and loves. I'm a firm believer in the philosophy "Your house should only have things you love." So if a friend helps you put the things you love in a way that is pleasing to the eye, it is still you. Right? Although to be honest, her input is putting a little bit of her into it. But to be even more honest, is that such a bad thing? If my house has a little bit of Mej in it, it would be even more me because she's a big part of my life. And wouldn't it be fitting that even my decor is touched by her? Yes it would.
Hooray! I think I've figured it out. At least for now. I feel much better, despite the fact that I will never be the same. The intimate knowledge I have gained about myself...you know I'm listening to this cool website called Pandora where you can create radio stations. Mine started out as japanese traditional music but has morphed into an Enya-esque sound. It has me all introspective and dreamy. Thank God I recognized it in time. I could go on about inner journeys buoyed by the music, but I won't. Need to pull back into my reality, not floating on some fairy cloud. So we'll wrap her up instead of continuing the introspection. Nonetheless, I have to admit that this entire post was really just an exercise in self-discovery.
Thank you for your patience.